Times are good and bad.
Times are good and bad
Sometimes happy
Sometimes sad
I think of you
It makes me blue
Because you are not here with me
I remember the times we had
Sometimes happy
Sometimes sad
But no matter what I'd do
You'd always pull through
And be there with me
Now those times are gone
And it makes me think
Will I ever be free
From the chains
To which you
Hold the key
posted by vbaranov | 8:05 AM
4 Comments:
Your rhymes here are a bit too easy, Vlad. I think that concentrating more on your choice of words would greatly improve your poetry. Lines like "I think of you / It makes me blue" are so simple that they deface your content. Your words should be chosen selectively, not only to convey what you mean, but also to transmit a mood that is best suited for that content (ie. a sad poem will transmit a sad mood). This poem seems to be attempting to convey serious feelings, but it is unable to articulate these feelings because of its simplistic diction. I think you have some interesting things to say, you just need to focus more on how you are saying them (which is equally important in poetry). Try searching for words that convey exactly what you are trying to say - not just the words that come out first but try to pick out, and play with the arrangement of words to move past the surface and create deeper impressions. You can go further, and explore sound and rhythm - and incorporate the formal elements of poetry to do this. I think that this type of writing is suitable for today's pop music - but pop music isn't exactly good poetry. If you use your Thesaurus and Dictionary, and your thinking cap, I guarantee your poems will show improvement.
I'm going to agree with Anthony on this one in that your poem seems to 'easy'. Like he said, the ryhme scheme is way too simplistic and, though good for a much younger audience, I don't know if that's the type of audience you would want to go to with this poem. What you are trying to portray seems to be a lot more complex than the words you are using and I think more articulate words would help make the poem more interesting.
The other thing I noticed was that you seem to rhyme only where you are able to. For instance, you can rhyme bad/sad, you/blue but what about the lines 'Because you are not here with me, I remember the times we had'. These two lines sound akward just as they are but they also have no rhyme. And right after them, you go back into rhyme and then only rhyme for a few more lines and then go back to a sort of freer verse. I don't think that ALL of your lines have to rhyme, but it would be nice to have some sort of pattern (ie. ABBA CDDC, etc).
Otherwise, the imagery sort of confuses me. For example, chains don't necessary require a key to open them unless they are locked. I know what you were trying to get at, but this image didn't really do it for me. Maybe you could have said 'free from the chains only you can unravel' or something to that extent. I don't know if you like that - but let me know what you think!
I'm going to agree with Anthony on this one in that your poem seems to 'easy'. Like he said, the ryhme scheme is way too simplistic and, though good for a much younger audience, I don't know if that's the type of audience you would want to go to with this poem. What you are trying to portray seems to be a lot more complex than the words you are using and I think more articulate words would help make the poem more interesting.
The other thing I noticed was that you seem to rhyme only where you are able to. For instance, you can rhyme bad/sad, you/blue but what about the lines 'Because you are not here with me, I remember the times we had'. These two lines sound akward just as they are but they also have no rhyme. And right after them, you go back into rhyme and then only rhyme for a few more lines and then go back to a sort of freer verse. I don't think that ALL of your lines have to rhyme, but it would be nice to have some sort of pattern (ie. ABBA CDDC, etc).
Otherwise, the imagery sort of confuses me. For example, chains don't necessary require a key to open them unless they are locked. I know what you were trying to get at, but this image didn't really do it for me. Maybe you could have said 'free from the chains only you can unravel' or something to that extent. I don't know if you like that - but let me know what you think!
I'm going to agree with Anthony on this one in that your poem seems to 'easy'. Like he said, the ryhme scheme is way too simplistic and, though good for a much younger audience, I don't know if that's the type of audience you would want to go to with this poem. What you are trying to portray seems to be a lot more complex than the words you are using and I think more articulate words would help make the poem more interesting.
The other thing I noticed was that you seem to rhyme only where you are able to. For instance, you can rhyme bad/sad, you/blue but what about the lines 'Because you are not here with me, I remember the times we had'. These two lines sound akward just as they are but they also have no rhyme. And right after them, you go back into rhyme and then only rhyme for a few more lines and then go back to a sort of freer verse. I don't think that ALL of your lines have to rhyme, but it would be nice to have some sort of pattern (ie. ABBA CDDC, etc).
Otherwise, the imagery sort of confuses me. For example, chains don't necessary require a key to open them unless they are locked. I know what you were trying to get at, but this image didn't really do it for me. Maybe you could have said 'free from the chains only you can unravel' or something to that extent. I don't know if you like that - but let me know what you think!
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