Babushka (Grandma)
This is just a poem that i wrote after my grandmother died not long ago.
The silky wind brushes your skin
The golden sun carresses your lips
But you do not feel it
The rain falls down on your grey head
The snow freezes your white hands
But you do not feel it
The seasons come and seasons go
The weather changes with the flow
But you do not feel it
You lived a long and harsh life
You lost a lot of friend and foes aside
But you will never know
How much I miss you
Now that you are gone.
R.I.P Natalia Gregorivna Baranova
1916-1994
posted by vbaranov | 11:51 PM
3 Comments:
Vlad,
Writing about death can never be too easy but I thought your poem was pretty good. I like the repetition of the line "But you do not feel it" - I tought this was an affective line that fit well into the poem. I also like the natural images you gave of wind, sun, rain, and snow. I thought these helped link the idea of death to nature in such a great way.
I think the last couple of lines (starting at "You lived a long and harsh life...") were kind of out of place and maybe you could have simply cut out lines 10 & 11 and moved the rest up so it flows a bit better. Something like this:
...
The weather changes with the flow
But you do not feel it
And you will never know
How much I miss you
Now that you are gone.
What do you think?
Caitlin
I agree with the other comment on how well this poem describes a sense of loss, and you have done a great job at creating a very real sense of lonliness throughout the poem. My only suggestion is maybe to add a stronger sense of meter to the poem to create a more solid structure. I also really like the repetition of the like "but you do not feel it" and feel that maybe you could expand on this from physical feeling to emotional feeling to heighten the sense of loss. I would like to commend you on a beautiful response to a very difficult situation, and I hope that working with words to describe your feelings was a comfort to you. I myself have suffered a loss recently and decided to write about it... maybe you can take a look at my blog sometime and see if you can find any relevance to yourself.
Your poem does not need to be alter because it is yours, we are merely bystanders peering in the window you open for us. I am just an easedropper, i can not tell you the proper things to say, or how to say it. Annieways, i loved every honest word.
My deepest sympathies,
annie.
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